The Wedding Party

Members of the wedding party are very important people who love you- cherished friends and family who have meant a lot to you over the years. Choosing the wedding party should start as early as possible because your inner circle will be by your side from day one of your planning until the moment you step into the getaway car. 

The traditional members of the wedding party are as follows:
The Maid or Matron of Honor
The Bridesmaids
The Best Man
The Groomsmen
The Flower Girl(s) and Ring Bearer 

The participants help you with so many aspects of the wedding so it's important that they are there for you from the beginning and that they know their roles right away. Something you can do to help explain what you expect of everyone is to have a potluck where everyone brings something to the table. Once everyone's bellies are satisfied, announce the roles you have in mind for each member and discuss schedules. For example, your sister might be out of town a lot so make sure she can be there during the times you need her. 

Photo by T & S Hughes Photography

 According to MarthaStewart.com, the average wedding has four to six pairs of bridesmaids and groomsmen and a large wedding could have up to 12 pairs. Do not be afraid to have more than the typical wedding. A bride with a very large family and tons of friends may agonize for months on which of her cousins gets to be a bridesmaid and which is left out if she feels she is limited to what is common. You don't want to disappoint your best friends and you don't want to look back on your wedding day and wish you had included someone special to you. So don't worry about expenses because it is customary for the wedding party to have the responsibility of paying for their own attire. All you would have to provide is the wedding bouquet they are holding and the boutonnieres pinned to their jackets. The more attendants you have the more expensive it will be, but you don't have to have expensive bouquets or even have traditional flower bouquets at all. I was a bridesmaid in a wedding that had nine bridesmaids and groomsmen but the bride made paper lanterns instead of having flowers. (See the flower page for more information on how to keep your cost low.) It is also standard practice to give each member of your wedding party a thank-you gift but again, this doesn't have to hurt your pocketbook. If anyone who is absolutely essential to your party is unable to afford the cost of their formal wear, hotel room, or travel, you might tactfully offer to help out if you are able.

Don't feel that you have to do everything traditional. I included my two best guy friends as ushers and my friend John had his best girl friend be a bridesmaid at his wedding. (Photo above.) If you absolutely cannot stand someone your future spouse wants to have in the ceremony, discuss it together. If you still can't decide, find a way to honor this person in a different role such as handing out the programs as the guests come in. Whatever you decide, don't feel you must choose an equal number of men and women. Loved ones don't come in boxed sets, and neither should your wedding party. I had an equal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen but two bridesmaids and one groomsmen ended up not being able to make it for different reasons. It's okay! We had one of the ushers upgraded to groomsman but you don't have to do that if it happens to you.

What are the roles?

Maid of Honor
Traditionally, the bride invites the sister closest in age to her to be maid or matron of honor. These days she can ask any relative or friend, even a grandparent, parent, or adult child. A bride may name a brother or close male friend, and cast him in a slightly different, more masculine role such as "man of honor." On my sacred day, I could not choose between my sister closest in age and my best friend so since one was married and one was not, I decided on both a maid and matron of honor. Sadly, my matron was unable to make it but I'm so glad I asked her anyway.

The maid of honor is the bride's number-one confidante and helper. She's also the head bridesmaid, in charge of delegating jobs and keeping everyone informed and organized. Her responsibilities are lengthy so choose someone who is up to the task. The job description generally includes helping the bride shop for the wedding gown and bridesmaid dresses; spreading the word to guests about where the couple is registered for gifts; and hosting the wedding shower (and perhaps the bachelorette party, too). On the wedding day, the maid of honor sticks close to the bride, tending to her veil, train, and bustle. She walks in the procession and stands by the bride at the altar. During the ceremony, the maid of honor holds the bride's bouquet and sometimes the groom's ring if there is no ring bearer. Afterward, she signs the marriage certificate as a witness. At the reception, the maid of honor and best man sometimes join the newlyweds and their parents for the first formal dance sequence. She may also offer a toast if she wants to. Sometimes the maid of honor joins the newlyweds in the receiving line. Bridesmaids, if included, stand to her left.

Our maid of honor and best man signing the certificate

Best Man
At one time, the best man was usually a brother, but these days anyone is appropriate, provided he (or she) is important to the groom and is willing to assume this demanding role. As the other honor attendant in the wedding, the best man is kept just as busy as the maid of honor. He helps the groom select the men's tuxedos and sees to it that everyone gets fitted. He may also act as bachelor-party planner. In addition, the best man is charged with getting the groom to the ceremony on time, marriage certificate in hand, and keeping him calm and relaxed. He stands at the groom's side during the ceremony and signs the marriage certificate. He may also hold the bride's ring or both rings. (Ours did.) Afterwards he hands out payments -- for the officiant, and for any other sundry expenses that come up the day of the wedding. At the reception, the best man traditionally offers the first toast. He's often also called upon to safeguard gift envelopes and orchestrate a smooth departure for the newlyweds when the party is over. Not every best man is a gifted public speaker. If yours is shy and serious, don't pressure him to deliver a lengthy, entertaining toast; let him know in advance that short and sincere is just fine.

Bridesmaids
In addition to family members and friends, the bride's retinue often includes at least one of the groom's sisters. Older girls and young teenagers can join the party as junior bridesmaids. The bridesmaids often help the maid of honor plan the shower and the bachelorette party or cohost these events. They attend all prenuptial festivities if possible. The bride, or her maid of honor, might ask bridesmaids to assist her with numerous small tasks, such as securing hotel rooms for out-of-town guests and keeping a log of gifts at the bridal shower. You may want to consult with bridesmaids before you select their dresses -- they could be a great help. Bridesmaids purchase the dress you have chosen and have it fitted in time for the wedding. If they're wearing dresses of their own choosing, they need to be aware of any style or color specifications you may have. At the ceremony, bridesmaids precede the maid of honor in the procession; they are often paired with the groomsmen. If there is an odd number of bridesmaids, two women can walk together, or a groomsman can escort one on each arm.

Groomsmen
Here, too, you want people you're comfortable with. A brother (or brothers) of the bride makes a wonderful addition. Groomsmen might help host prenuptial celebrations -- the bachelor party in particular. They pay for their own formal attire. At the wedding, groomsmen often serve as ushers (as do bridesmaids, in some cases); if so, they need to pay close attention at the rehearsal and arrive early to roll out the runner, distribute programs, and escort guests to their seats. They walk in the procession alongside the bridesmaids and stand next to the best man during the ceremony.
You can also ask groomsmen to make themselves available to guests after the ceremony, for help with directions to the reception site. Some couples have ushers in addition to groomsmen. Either way, make sure you have enough help on hand. A good ratio is one usher or attendant for every 25 guests.

Our flower girl Madisyn

Ring Bearers and Flower Girls
If you are close to any small children, including them in your wedding party is lovely. Keep in mind, however, that children can't be expected to behave like adults. Flower girls and ring bearers should generally be at least four years old and mature enough to handle their ceremonial role. A very shy or fidgety child will probably not do well in the spotlight. Ask your candidates' parents whether they think their youngsters will be able to manage. Our flower girl was six years old and she did absolutely perfect job.  The ring bearer and flower girl precede the bride down the aisle. He carries the wedding rings (or decoys, if he's too little to be trusted with the real things), tied to a small pillow. The flower girl may carry a basket of petals, which she scatters as she walks, or a nosegay. After the procession is over and the rings are handed off to the best man, the children's work is done, and they can either be seated with their parents or if they are mature enough, can stand up with the rest of the wedding party. (Ours did.) Ring bearers' and flower girls' outfits and accessories are usually paid for by their parents. Discuss your choices with them in advance, and be sure to keep your selections within their budget.